Use Me Up & Throw Me Away

Just walk away

Gather your thoughts for the second wave

Of this argument on this epic changing day

Its crazy to think that an hour ago all things were great

But we stand here both proud both wrong and right

Throwing cheap shots in this stubborn fight

And our lives are so intertwined in one

But we're just so stuck in this moment it's clear that were coming undone

.

And you see it’s hard for me to breathe

When I get all worked up with these feelings

And I don’t know exactly how it is

That we can be so mad we consider to not exist

When we both know there’s so much love clenched within our fists

.

The goodbye waves in the driveway they just resonate

And yes I am throwing it right back at her

While were drowning in rivers from our faces

We just wanna know if, this is this over

A trembling silence fills the air

As we stand here so impaired, so aware

.

So hey now, maybe we're just being stupid

Maybe we're just being dumb

Hey maybe it's time that we stopped and we realized

Like a flag in the wind we are one

And how at first it’s made so pure and lovely

But in battle can be torn to shreds

But with time and with patience and love and affection

Can be fixed with needle and thread

Because I love you and do you love me

And nothing will make this leave

I said I love you and do you love me

And nothing will make, make, make, make this leave

So remember me.

[the Rocket Summer]

...

And all those things that I hated about you, even though hated is too strong of a word, all those things that frustrated me so much, do you remember when I said that you frustrate me so much, well, those thing aren't so bad anymore; in fact those are the thing that I like about you, because if you did drop something, I know who you'd be doing it for, and as selfish as it may be, I love you for loving me when I couldn't love myself, when I couldn't get through, when my head cheated but my heart refused to move, and I don't know what's going to happen anymore, but that's going to be okay because it has to be, because we're both still breathing and we're both still here on two different sides of a two tin cans attached to one string.

Neither Here Nor There

I've been counting down the months until May, and thanks to all my fabulous friends it has not been quite as hard as it could have been. Pretty soon of course, all of that will be over and our chapter will be closed completely. I can not wait.

Of everything I learned from us, one of the most important lessons was love thyself. I always thought it was love thy neighbor, but how can one love a neighbor without first loving oneself, it's simply impossible. And as taught in my AP English class our Senior year, love and respect are inevitably intertwined hence self love must become equitable with self respect.

I do not believe in achieving perfection, most likely because I believe that if we had the ability to be perfect we would not need God, but also because that concept, I think, has too many opportunities for let downs and swelled egos. Life seems instead a constant strain towards balance, a constant journey of achievement, a constant but not hopeless battle.

The rain pours down in sheets outside, and rain can only be delicious when one stays at home with a car. Unfortunately rain simply can not be as lovely when one is cold, water-proof-jacket-less and lacking an umbrella. Maybe the rain can prepare me for London and Wellington, maybe.

But I must digress again. As corny as it is, you also taught me never to rely on someone else. All those elaborate day dreams involving other people, poof gone; trusting in promises, poof gone. I even waited for the one person who has taken care of me over and over again this year to leave, and the wait was not pointless. I learned to rely on myself.

God willing, in six months or so I'll have quit the states, at least for a while. Yes, leaving my close friends and roommates presents a necessary sadness, but also an opportunity for growth that I am definitely looking forward to.

Carmelized Afterthought

To be abandoned when you need someone to rely on - that must be excruciatingly painful.

-Winter Light

Life appears to me to be too short to be spent nursing animosity or registering wrongs.

-Charlotte Bronte

Rain, Rain Go Away

Just when I had you off my head your voice comes thrashing wildly through my quiet bed
You say you wanna try again, but I've tried everything but giving in

Why you wanna break my heart again
Why am I gonna let you try
When all we ever do is say goodbye
All we ever do is say goodbye

I love you more than songs can say, but I can't keep running after yesterday

...

Life, the Universe, Everything

Coming out your mouth

With your blah blah blah.

...

Happy Times>Awful Times=Lovely

If being single is the best then why do you always have a boyfriend?

And if I'm so needy than why have I been single for the majority of my life?

It's easier said than done, but what isn't?

No matter what anyone else says you have to make the choice for yourself.

To each their own. No judgment. But lots of love.

Awfulness>Happiness=DTS

...

Stop talk talk talking that

Blah blah blah
Think you'll be getting this
Nah nah nah

Hello, Cupcake!

//I can’t believe what you said to me last night when we were alone, you threw your hands up, baby you gave up, you gave up.

//Could we fix you if you broke? And is your punch line just a joke?
//I can’t believe how you slurred at me with your half wired broken jaw
You popped my heart seams,

all my bubble dreams,bubble dreams

// And I know that it’s complicated but I’m a loser in love
So baby raise a glass to mend all the broken hearts of all my wrecked up friends
// I’ll never talk again, oh boy you’ve left me speechless. You've left me speechless so speechless.
I’ll never love again, oh friend you’ve left me speechless. You've left me speechless, so speechless

//Why you so speechless baby?

Loveeeee!

[So I was jogging one day on Sierra, trying to avoid all the creepers that stare and holler, and this song popped on my Ipod. You have to understand that I used to have 5000+ songs on my poor Ipod, at least a third of which I have yet to listen to. Slowly but surely, like the cleaning of a room, I deleted some songs and then whole albums. I know this song comes from way WAY back circa sixth grade, but when I heard the lyrics, it was perfect and Now. Thanks Destiny's Child.]

...

Now that you are out of my life, I'm so much better,

You thought that I'd be weak without ya, but I'm stronger,

You thought that I'd be broke without ya, but I'm richer,

You thought that I'd be sad without ya, I laugh harder,

You thought I wouldn't grow without ya, now I'm wiser,

You thought that I'd be helpless without ya, but I'm smarter,

You thought that I'd be stressed without ya, but I'm chillin'

I'm a survivor,

I'm not gonna give up,

I'm not gonna stop,

I'm gonna work harder,

I'm a survivor,

I'm gonna make it,

I will survive,

Keep on surviving.

...

I'm wishin' you the best,

Pray that you are blessed,

Much success, no stress, and lots of happiness,

I'm not gonna blast you on the radio,

I'm not gonna lie on you or your family, yo,

I'm not gonna hate you in the magazine,

I'm not gonna compromise my Christianity,

You know I'm not gonna diss you on the Internet

Cause my momma told me better than that.

...

To my amazing BANG FAM, the Girlies, the two bestest BFF's, my Guh's, Drama Babies & everyone in between; Thanks for your love and DD, for being freezing cold and getting older together, for climbing mountains and sharing secrets, for no shit taking, for driving, for treating, for late night/early morning texting, for chocolate and hugs, for teaching me how to love again. You are the cutest, sweetest, most amazing people. Whether or not our lives move apart and change, I will always be so thankful for the love and friendship you have given. Loveeeee!

No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal the heart
And everyone would have a friend
And right would always win
And love would never end oh,
This is my grown up Christmas list